Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Future Husbands

Funnily enough, my writing skills increase exponentially when I am exhausted, which is why I am writing this post when my brain hurts, my eyes are blurry, and all I want to do is catapult myself into a full-on coma. It's all for you.

As a teenage girl, I have a tendency to have crushes on famous people. Just like any teenage girl.

As a completely off-the-wall teenage girl, I also have a tendency to make long, unnecessary, slightly creepy lists of attractive men who I believe to be my future husbands.  Sort of like a hit list, except much less foreboding.  And a lot less dangerous.  Allegedly. 

It started with just one future husband... But then I started discovering more and more men that seemed worthy of my hand in marriage. Soon the list became exceedingly long. Considering most of these men are older than me... and I'm really not a fan of polygamy... I realize that this list is quite unnecessary, but as we all know, totally satisfying.

So here's my list of future husbands.

1. First place goes to the man that made me create this list: my darling Chris Martin, also known as the lead singer of Coldplay.

Other than his piercing blue eyes, stunning good looks, and heck-of-a-lot-of cash, Chris has an incredibly adorable way of making interviews hilariously funny with his weird-ass answers to normal questions.  Like seriously, go look up Chris Martin interviews. I'm pretty sure that the reason he became my future husband was because I felt an oddly innate connection to him due to our similarly strange sense of humor. He is fairly odd. AND I LOVE IT.

Unfortunately, these things stand in my way:

Ugh. Wives and children are overrated. And those children... is it just me or are they annoyingly cute?  I can just imagine their screechy little voices... "ehh i'm so cute and Chris Martin-y, and my dad can write a #1 hit song in the McDonald's drive-thru... ehh my life is perfect ehhh"

Psh, who needs that, Chris Martin?

What you do need, on the other hand, is ME.


Number two on the hot list (Get it? Hit list, hot list...?) is....
Danny O'Donoghue!! (Lead singer of The Script)

Ah.. his name is so freaking adorable. I need not go on. But I will, because his face is even adorable-er.

I sense an interesting pattern: European lead-singers for famous bands.

But gosh he's so darn cute and Irish.

He makes me want to squeeze kittens and sing in sob-screaming soprano to his deep, heartfelt love songs.

Ok three.
I put that in italics and all-caps because his name must be said in a whispery, sensual manner each time it is spoken. BEN AFFLECK. 

And when you say his name you have to make this face:


And imagine this man:

BEN AFFLECK is just hot. Really that's why he's on the list. Not every man can pull off such a look. Tyra Banks would be proud of his professional smise.

BEN AFFLECK also has a wife and a handful of kids, but I've come to terms with the fact that my future husband will possibly/most likely have wives and children hanging about. That does not make me any less determined to continue with my plan.  The more the merrier! In fact, I'll just sleep in the basement. Alone. Squeezing my cats. Being the third wheel ain't that bad...

Next on the list...

Jesse Williams.

What's cookin', good lookin'?

I'm pretty sure if I ever met Jesse Williams and used that pick-up line, I would immediately be shot down by his blue smising glare.

I wish I was your coronary artery, so I could be wrapped around your heart.

No? That doesn't work either? Ok.

Well, other than the fact that this beautiful hunk of man-meat plays a starring doctor on my favorite TV show of the century "Grey's Anatomy," he also used to be a high school teacher.

Yes, I said it. A high school teacher.

This would be me in his class:

I was trying to say "you're hot" but your hotness distracted me.

Are you a library card? Because I'd like to check you out.

No? No good? Ok.


Dave Welsh.

Although I would totally marry all four of these guys at the same time, I'm specifically talking about Dave, the one on the far right. Mainly because he is an epic guitarist of the Fray and he can ROCK that orange hat and indie glasses.

Considering I also rock glasses of this caliber of awesomeness (the word "rock" is questionable, but "attempt to pull off" definitely fits) I am totally prepared to not only be his loving wife, but also match his every outfit. We'll be like twins.

I love you Dave Welsh...

Ok this is going to come as a surprise considering the long line of soulful musicians, but the next man on the list is totally...


Wow. What an epic photo. Even he probably thinks he's a hunk.

Ok, I admit that football players aren't usually my type, but this man right here is. Why, you may ask?
Because when I was reluctantly watching football with my dad last year, I witnessed a beautiful moment when Vernon began crying like a baby after catching a winning touchdown.

He cried like this:

And hugged his coach like this:

As I sat there like this:

Dear Vernon,
Be my hubby, you sensitive, teddy-bear man.
Your Fellow Crier

We will have super sensitive children together.

And thus, we are brought to my final future husband,


Who knows what his last name is, but who really cares?

Star dancer on "So You Think You Can Dance," Marko is probably the cutest man to ever set foot on the dancing stage.

And he was really cute when he kissed his partner:

And he's sort of epic.


Somehow I don't think I would look as cool.

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