Monday, January 2, 2012

Why New Year's resolutions fail.

Just like 2/3 of the world, I made a New Year's resolution to exercise and get fit.  I used to run quite a few times per week, but the huge amount of food that was idly sitting around my house during the holidays held me hostage in my own home for two months. Oh, pity me.


The other 1/3 of the world resolved to become fatter.  I think.  Isn't that how fractions work?

I started my resolution by getting really psyched for an amazing run that I was about to CONQUER.  I put on my neon yellow running jacket (that I once found on the side of the road, I think a biker must have dropped it.  But it was too ugly and expensive-looking to throw out, so I kept it.  But that's another story), my black runner leggings, and my purple leopard-print ear muffs, and began my run.



At first, I was feeling gooood.  I saw a few other New Year's resolutions running by, and we waved to each other, knowing perfectly well what the other was thinking.


I decided to do my favorite run, the one I did almost every time I went running before my two month "cake-break."  This run meanders through a beautiful area in the open-space right behind my house where a little trail runs through some pretty fields and up a hill, where there is a perfect view of the mountains. I have always loved this run, and the cold air felt very fresh and reviving.

As I began to run into the open-space, the cold air slowly began to hurt a little.  I don't know if you've ever experienced running in the cold, but it hurts.  The cold air cuts at your throat and freezes your lungs so that your stamina plummets and you just wish you could quit breathing.  But you can't quit breathing, because you need to breathe to live, so another breath comes, like, every second, which makes it even worse, because you really want the air but you really don't want the pain, so suddenly you are in a hopeless, never-ending circle of trying to get air into your system without breathing.  So your breathing becomes erattic and irregular.  And then your stamina becomes even worse.


I tried to ignore the fact that my throat was freezing off, but suddenly I ran into yet another obstacle.  I completely forgot that there had been snow on the ground just a few days ago.  The ground was MUD.  Pure mud.  And by pure mud, I mean... well, mud.

I tried to run through the mud, but it started sticking to my shoes.  Suddenly my feet were extremely heavy and I felt like I was running in moon shoes.

Reality:


What it felt like:


Wait.  Now that I think about it, running in moon shoes would be really fun.  So it actually was nothing like running in moon shoes.



Anyway, to make a long story short, I walked the next mile through the slippery muck until I got out of the open-space.  Then I spent the next five minutes getting the majority of the caked-on mud off of the bottom of my shoes.  Then I ran the rest of the way home.  Then I tried desperately to get the rest of the mud off using a hose, to no avail.

So here I am, with soaking wet, muddy sneakers and a sore throat, wondering where this beautiful New Year's resolution went wrong.  I've decided that someone, somewhere is trying to tell me something.  Either I need to start running on pavement, or I need to become part of the 1/3 and resolve to eat more and become fat.


And this is why New Year's resolutions fail.  So if you are out there, feeling negative about your resolution or becoming fit, the truth is, sometimes we're all a lot happier eating cookies in front of the TV.


14 comments:

  1. OMG, where have you been all my life. This is some funny s***. Loving your blog.

    best,
    MOV

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  2. Found you from MOV -- totally subscribing to your blog!!

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  3. I headed over from MOV too! I am cracking up at the thought of your erotic breathing...maybe you meant erratic, or maybe you really LOVE running! How many cookies did it take to feel better about the run? Thanks for saving me the effort of trying!

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  4. MOV is such a blog pimp. I remember the good ol days when she pimped me out...then I got old and saggy and used and she was all, 'I'm gonna get me a new young thing that knows how to draw unicorns".

    So yay. Guest post on my page for leap blog? I'll return the favor. =)

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  5. oh, mary, you such a ho. I totally found you over here. And, yes, you need to learn how to draw unicorns.

    best,
    MOV

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  6. Haha thanks everyone!

    And Andrea, definitely meant erratic. I changed it, but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe sexual innuendos is exactly what this blog needs? Who knows...

    And Mary, I'd totally do a guest post for you and totally love to have you do a guest post for me! Woooo leap year!

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  7. Heeheehee, brilliant!

    I no longer run due to injuries sustained from having quite ample bosoms (black eyes and several concussions) but your drawings had be feeling quite out of breath.

    Very funny!

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  8. Well girls - I'm glad MOV is such a slut, this blog's great fun and inspiring.

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  9. So if MOV is a slut...that must make us her ho's. Love the blog!

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  10. Well OK you have got me following you too now, as I follow MOV and LILY and their cool. But I need to point out I cant spell and OK I do love monster cookies. Is that important?. And I have no sense of logic' write the worlds most boring blog because someone has too, so it is best I do it, however don't worry about that.

    Good luck with the blog and the running, my only word of advice would be make next years New Year's resolution not to wear Neon Yellow it is the sort of colour that is committed to running. Lets face it you cant meander down a country path in Neon Yellow without everyone thinking AH run out of steam I see, cant run. You don't get that reaction in a grubby grey raincoat (NO I don't own one so it's OK)

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  11. i ADORE your illustrations. They are simply marvelous.

    i felt this way for the first six months of running. I eventually pushed myself to do longer distances, but now, I am quite content sitting on my couch and eating some cookies.

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  12. I read the comments, and I think you should have kept "erotic breathing!" That being said, I also used to run, but for unknown reasons. I don't like running, but decided that cross country was a good idea in high school. Woof, that was torture. But you should keep up the good work!

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  13. I'm a member of that elusive 1/3 that has decided to get fat...except I'm already there, and that left me with nowhere to go...
    SO, I've decided, if YOU are going to run, can you just run for me, too? I surely would appreciate it.
    Check off that resolution. Next...

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  14. lol omg that was my laugh for the day. Thanks a lot I needed that.

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Comments are much appreciated xoxo