Just like 2/3 of the world, I made a New Year's resolution to exercise and get fit. I used to run quite a few times per week, but the huge amount of food that was idly sitting around my house during the holidays held me hostage in my own home for two months. Oh, pity me.
The other 1/3 of the world resolved to become fatter. I think. Isn't that how fractions work?
I started my resolution by getting really psyched for an amazing run that I was about to CONQUER. I put on my neon yellow running jacket (that I once found on the side of the road, I think a biker must have dropped it. But it was too ugly and expensive-looking to throw out, so I kept it. But that's another story), my black runner leggings, and my purple leopard-print ear muffs, and began my run.
At first, I was feeling gooood. I saw a few other New Year's resolutions running by, and we waved to each other, knowing perfectly well what the other was thinking.
I decided to do my favorite run, the one I did almost every time I went running before my two month "cake-break." This run meanders through a beautiful area in the open-space right behind my house where a little trail runs through some pretty fields and up a hill, where there is a perfect view of the mountains. I have always loved this run, and the cold air felt very fresh and reviving.
As I began to run into the open-space, the cold air slowly began to hurt a little. I don't know if you've ever experienced running in the cold, but it hurts. The cold air cuts at your throat and freezes your lungs so that your stamina plummets and you just wish you could quit breathing. But you can't quit breathing, because you need to breathe to live, so another breath comes, like, every second, which makes it even worse, because you really want the air but you really don't want the pain, so suddenly you are in a hopeless, never-ending circle of trying to get air into your system without breathing. So your breathing becomes erattic and irregular. And then your stamina becomes even worse.
I tried to ignore the fact that my throat was freezing off, but suddenly I ran into yet another obstacle. I completely forgot that there had been snow on the ground just a few days ago. The ground was MUD. Pure mud. And by pure mud, I mean... well, mud.
I tried to run through the mud, but it started sticking to my shoes. Suddenly my feet were extremely heavy and I felt like I was running in moon shoes.
What it felt like:
Wait. Now that I think about it, running in moon shoes would be really fun. So it actually was nothing like running in moon shoes.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I walked the next mile through the slippery muck until I got out of the open-space. Then I spent the next five minutes getting the majority of the caked-on mud off of the bottom of my shoes. Then I ran the rest of the way home. Then I tried desperately to get the rest of the mud off using a hose, to no avail.
So here I am, with soaking wet, muddy sneakers and a sore throat, wondering where this beautiful New Year's resolution went wrong. I've decided that someone, somewhere is trying to tell me something. Either I need to start running on pavement, or I need to become part of the 1/3 and resolve to eat more and become fat.
And this is why New Year's resolutions fail. So if you are out there, feeling negative about your resolution or becoming fit, the truth is, sometimes we're all a lot happier eating cookies in front of the TV.