Bugs.

Today when I was gardening, I saw the grossest insect ever to step foot in my backyard.  It kind of looked like a huge ant-wasp hybrid except it had like a two-inch long abdomen.  And it was a lot uglier than an ant-wasp hybrid.  And believe me, ant-wasp hybrids are disgustingly ugly.
I will try to recreate it for you:

Gross, right?

I'm actually really beastly when it comes to bugs outside.  When I see a bug outside that is especially gross,  I usually look at it closely, like a curious six-year-old boy.  Sometimes I even poke it with a stick.  It's also common for me to call over someone to take a look at an especially cool-looking spider.  I'm really tough.

Unfortunately, all of this beastness that I have when it comes to bugs outside is totally reversed when I am in my house.  I am completely disgusted by bugs in my house.  It's almost embarrassing how bad I am - I always refuse to kill insects because that grosses me out.  Unfortunately, my house is like a warm haven for insects during the cold winter and it's an oasis during the summertime, so inevitably I am going to find a bug in my house at some point every few weeks.  When this happens, I have three strategies to deal with the bug without killing it:

1.  Call for help.

2.  Catch and release.  For this method, I find some sort of paper cup, catch the bug, and release it into my backyard.  I know what you're thinking. "Wow, she is such a genuinely kind person who saves the lives of bugs every day."  Yes, yes I am.

Except that the real reason is not because I am a kind person, but  because I am a pathetic person.  I can't even kill a measly bug.  Also, I only release bugs that seem kind of nice looking.  Like ladybugs, or sometimes slow spiders.  (I never release anything that stings or is really fast or jumps.  I'm too afraid of them to get close enough to catch them.)

3.  Ignore the bug and pretend like I never noticed it was there.

I mostly do this with moths.  But one time I used this technique with a wasp.  I noticed it buzzing in my kitchen window while I was making lunch and I didn't know what to do.  It seemed pretty angry so I definitely couldn't catch it and put it outside.  I was the only one in my house, so calling for help was out of the question. Two lifelines down, only one was left: ignore it.  I felt bad about it for like three days after the incident because I know how much my mom hates wasps and I was worried that she would find it, but it never showed up after that.  I'm just hoping my dog didn't eat it.



Ok, so I just did some research on the bug that I found in my backyard and found out some pretty gruesome information that I am going to share with you even though you don't want to hear it and it will most likely scar you for life:

PHOTO CREDIT: Sean McCann

Meet the Mud Dauber, currently residing in my backyard.  I think my drawing was pretty realistic, don't you think?

The Mud Dauber is an extremely grotesque insect that you probably never want to meet.  She carefully constructs a nest out of mud and lays little eggs into the nest.  When her beautiful babies hatch, she fixes up a delicious meal for them consisting of paralyzed wolf spiders that are paralyzed.  (I know I said that already, but paralyzed! That means they're still alive! omg.)  She is a fantastic cook, and she loves to utilize different ingredients like other types of gross-looking spiders.  She also enjoys long strolls along the beach and candle-lit dinners.  If you would like to meet Dauby, call 1-800-MATCH-MAKER today!

*weep*