Hamlet is a Zombie. Or something...

This isn't an actual post.  Just warning you.
I have a big, huge, horrible, final, large, giant, annoying, what-i've-been-working-towards-my-entire-life-exam on Monday, so I really don't have the time for my blog at the moment, however, I had to share with you this crazy discovery I made.  A few months back I did a guest post on Tara's blog: greeneyedopinions.blogspot.com.
The post was slightly random and definitely insane, and when I was going back through old posts, I reread it and thought that it was worth posting again on this blog, too, so I'll copy and paste it at the end of this post.

BUT before I allow you to read it, I just have to say the point of this post, which is:  I'M A GENIUS.

After you read this post, you will see that I came up with a genius idea about putting ZOMBIES in HAMLET, which my friend, to my dismay, told me was a stupid idea.  WELL, I found out the other day that there is a MOVIE called "Zombie Hamlet" that is due to come out this year and it's all about zombies and Hamlet.  If only my friend had not stifled my dream, I could have copyrighted that genius proposal and sent it off to some fabulous movie producer who would have surely created a feature film.

What is it they say?  Something about there being a fine line between insanity and genius?  BAM.

(P.S. There is quite a strong possibility that this movie is a complete joke.)
(P.P.S. The possibility is strong enough to be definite. In other words this movie is definitely a joke.  Because it was supposed to come out last year.)
(P.P.P.S. The definite possibility of this movie being a complete joke does not change the fact that I am a genius.)


Hamlet, the Zombie Version

This is an exact replica of the conversation I had with my friend about me writing a guest post:

Me: Hey, guess what? I'm writing a guest post!

Friend: Cool, what are you going to write about?

Me: I was considering doing a reenactment of Shakespeare's "Hamlet" except everyone who dies will come back as zombies at the end and kill everyone else and then I was thinking I would add a philosophical debate at the end of my post about why reading about zombie attacks would be so much more entertaining and educational than reading about a boring murder and then finish off with a logical list of why school systems suck.

Friend: Um... well... maybe you should try something a little less... complicated?

Me: Yeah, you're right.  I don't want to discriminate against people who have never read Hamlet and have no idea what I am talking about.  Ok, my second idea is to set up a battle between a mermaid and a centaur and list all of the different attributes that would make one or the other win.

Friend:  Ok... well, I was just thinking maybe you should do something a little more... sane?  No one will follow your blog if they think you're crazy.

Me:  ExcUSE me?  I beg to differ.  (About the people-not-reading-my-blog-because-I'm-insane part, not the I-am-insane part.  That part's true.)

Actually, she kind of has a point considering the blog that I'm writing for, "Green-Eyed Opinions" happens to be incredibly awesome and also incredibly normal and I don't think I've ever seen Tara write about zombies or battles between imaginary creatures, so her readers probably will be very confused and may get angry that they're reading such nonsense on a blog that they expect to be nonsense-less.  So now I have to think of something normal to write, which doesn't come easily for me, believe me, considering I spend my life coming up with weird battle scenarios, and that is the opposite of normal.  Well, I've hit a wall.  I have writer's block.  What do normal people write about?  I can't even think of an idea.

Ok, I just looked up "what do normal people blog about?" on Google and it came up with a lot of random sites about wine-drinking and mountain-climbing that had nothing to do with my original search and that's why search engines suck.  Unless it's trying to hint at the fact that wine-drinking and rock-climbing are awesome things to blog about, but I don't think so.  One site did give me a straight answer, and that was "their lives".

Well that didn't work, considering it brought me back to where I started.  I spend my life coming up with weird battle scenarios, PEOPLE.

So I've decided to return to one of my original ideas.  I hope you like it, but if you are scared off by my insanity, all I have to say is... BLAME GOOGLE.

EPIC BATTLE BETWEEN CENTAUR AND MERMAID.  WHO WILL WIN??????

Ok.

So as I was drawing this, I realized how silly this battle scenario is for two reasons:  first of all, mermaids are known for their peaceful personalities so they would probably never battle anything.  And second of all, mermaids have freaking TAILS.  So I don't think they stand a chance against something that has four legs that all have sharp hooves attached to the ends of them plus two arms that have spears attached to them.  That's like three times the amount of limbs and 100% more weapons.

So, the centaur wins.  No question.

Short Attention Span.

The other day I was studying for a math test, when suddenly, without warning, I realized I was on Facebook.

It made me think.  There are many instances when I intend to do one thing, but end up doing something completely different.

For example, sometimes I decide to go downstairs to get something to help me study.  Let's say I need a stapler, or some other similarly vital piece of office supplies. I walk downstairs, expecting to go grab the stapler and then run back up to my room to continue studying.

All of a sudden, I realize that I'm

Another one that I do sometimes happens during school.  My teacher begins saying something that is extremely vital knowledge. I realize almost immediately that I NEED to hear this.  In order to pass the class, this information must be stored in my long term memory.  I have to pay really close attention.  Much closer attention than I do normally, even closer than when I'm actually interested in what my teacher is saying.  If I don't hear this information, I don't know what I'll do. I might as well drop out of school.

Suddenly, I realize

I was spending so much time thinking about how important it was to pay attention, that I forgot to pay attention.

I also struggle with this when I go to the super market.  I prepare my list ahead of time, knowing that I really need to be focused so I can make it a quick shopping trip.  I write down the vital groceries that I desperately need, and prepare for my adventure.

Suddenly,

This is a problem that I've had to deal with for as long as I can remember.  My attention span never graduated the fifth grade.  At times, it can be slightly entertaining. Sometimes I ask myself, where did that come from, brain? And I laugh at my randomness.  At other times, however, it can get frustratingly annoying.  For example, I'll begin saying something, a thought that I had that seems extremely exciting, and then all of a sudden,

OH MY GOSH I need to tell you something.


OCTOPOCALYPSE 2012.
Did you know octopuses could walk on land, and they have beaks?
THEY ARE PLANNING THEIR ATTACK. BE PREPARED. BUY SOME HARPOONS.

Why New Year's resolutions fail.

Just like 2/3 of the world, I made a New Year's resolution to exercise and get fit.  I used to run quite a few times per week, but the huge amount of food that was idly sitting around my house during the holidays held me hostage in my own home for two months. Oh, pity me.


The other 1/3 of the world resolved to become fatter.  I think.  Isn't that how fractions work?

I started my resolution by getting really psyched for an amazing run that I was about to CONQUER.  I put on my neon yellow running jacket (that I once found on the side of the road, I think a biker must have dropped it.  But it was too ugly and expensive-looking to throw out, so I kept it.  But that's another story), my black runner leggings, and my purple leopard-print ear muffs, and began my run.

At first, I was feeling gooood.  I saw a few other New Year's resolutions running by, and we waved to each other, knowing perfectly well what the other was thinking.

I decided to do my favorite run, the one I did almost every time I went running before my two month "cake-break."  This run meanders through a beautiful area in the open-space right behind my house where a little trail runs through some pretty fields and up a hill, where there is a perfect view of the mountains. I have always loved this run, and the cold air felt very fresh and reviving.

As I began to run into the open-space, the cold air slowly began to hurt a little.  I don't know if you've ever experienced running in the cold, but it hurts.  The cold air cuts at your throat and freezes your lungs so that your stamina plummets and you just wish you could quit breathing.  But you can't quit breathing, because you need to breathe to live, so another breath comes, like, every second, which makes it even worse, because you really want the air but you really don't want the pain, so suddenly you are in a hopeless, never-ending circle of trying to get air into your system without breathing.  So your breathing becomes erattic and irregular.  And then your stamina becomes even worse.

I tried to ignore the fact that my throat was freezing off, but suddenly I ran into yet another obstacle.  I completely forgot that there had been snow on the ground just a few days ago.  The ground was MUD.  Pure mud.  And by pure mud, I mean... well, mud.

I tried to run through the mud, but it started sticking to my shoes.  Suddenly my feet were extremely heavy and I felt like I was running in moon shoes.

Reality:

What it felt like:

Wait.  Now that I think about it, running in moon shoes would be really fun.  So it actually was nothing like running in moon shoes.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I walked the next mile through the slippery muck until I got out of the open-space.  Then I spent the next five minutes getting the majority of the caked-on mud off of the bottom of my shoes.  Then I ran the rest of the way home.  Then I tried desperately to get the rest of the mud off using a hose, to no avail.

So here I am, with soaking wet, muddy sneakers and a sore throat, wondering where this beautiful New Year's resolution went wrong.  I've decided that someone, somewhere is trying to tell me something.  Either I need to start running on pavement, or I need to become part of the 1/3 and resolve to eat more and become fat.

And this is why New Year's resolutions fail.  So if you are out there, feeling negative about your resolution or becoming fit, the truth is, sometimes we're all a lot happier eating cookies in front of the TV.

Bucket List?

I was looking at an article here about what this blogger wants to do before she "kicks the tin."  It got me thinking.  What do I want to do before I die?  Or should I say, before I become an old woman and spend all hours of the day eating french bread dipped in olive oil over my knitting and refusing to speak to a living soul except my dog? 

So this is the list I came up with.  It slowly transformed from a "bucket" list to a "things I've always secretly wanted to do but didn't tell anyone about because my reasons were questionable" list.  But I'm telling you now! 

List of Awesomeness

(Things I secretly want to complete before I get old and fat)

1.  Skydive.

2.  Sit on a mattress and slide down the stairs.  Multiple times.

3.  Make a baked good for someone randomly.

4.  Eat a spoonful of wasabi.  I've just always been curious about what it would feel like, ok?

5.  Go on a random road trip with a friend.  Across Canada.

6.  Change my personality for a day to see how people react.

7.  Wear this costume.  And go grocery shopping in it.

8.  Write a letter to a famous person and get a response.

9.  Create a Wikipedia page for myself.

10.  Have someone else create a Wikipedia page for me.

11.  Go to an ice cream store and order the most extravagant desert on the menu and eat the entire thing without any guilt.

12.  Watch all eight Harry Potter movies in a row.

13.  Watch The Shining.  I don't have the guts to do it right now.

14.  Throw up after working out.  It would be cool to tell people afterwards.

15.  Eat something really odd or disgusting.  The most interesting thing I've eaten to date is sushi.

16.  Meet a mermaid.

17.  Become a mermaid.

18.  Win a contest.  The lottery would work just fine.

19.  Throw a surprise party.

20.  Find a puppy.  Or a kitten.  A kitten would do fine.

So, what's on your list?

The Bloop.

So a dear friend introduced me to this crazy thing called the bloop and I just have to share it with you.

The bloop is a famous sound that the ocean made that was really loud and unidentifiable and they still don't know where it came from and apparently it sounds like *blooooop*. 

You can read more about it on Wikipedia here.  I'm sure they have a few more details than my quick synopsis.

"The Bloop" is kind of like when everyone's sitting around the Thanksgiving table and someone breaks wind.  It is really loud and no one claims it, so everyone blames everyone until everyone gives up and decides to label it as "unidentifiable."

I am so sorry for that fart joke but I just couldn't resist.

EXCEPT, this is a little different because, I don't know about you, but the idea that a huge unidentifiable sound came out of the deepest, darkest depths of the ocean kind of gives me the creeps.  What in the world is down there?!?  Who knows, it could be the Loch Ness's Grandpa.

Actually, that's pretty likely, considering Grandpa is always the one making the unidentified sounds at Thanksgiving dinner.  Yes, Grandpa, we know it was you.  Always have.  We're just polite.